do I need to let her go?

Who? That other version of yourself that you mourn every single day. The reason people liked you. The characteristics your mom bragged about. You still have the moments they said, “I’m proud”, but it still feels like those words will never be said again. That girl. It feels like you’re still trying to be her, but you are not her anymore. You learned how to defend yourself and be less of a people pleaser. You can handle anything without crying that it’s hard. You changed. And that’s okay.

I know I’ve talked about the fact that I’m different but recently, I’ve been jarred by moments of recognition, and realizing that I need to get to know myself again. I’m just not her anymore, and even though I’m scared, I’m also excited by who I am. It comes in flashes, and it’s so different from the girl I was ten years ago that I’ve realized I need to let go of that person. I almost mourn her or punish myself when I don’t live for or like her. I don’t think the old people will like me, but then I question why do I need them to? Those people don’t deserve the new version of me, and that’s been the hardest thing to reconcile. So, how have I changed? Let’s get into it.

The most obvious way that I’ve changed (and probably the least important way) is how I look. I only mention this because it is something I struggle with. I feel like I look completely different and most of its age, but I feel like I can see my struggles edged into fine lines on my face. I look like a thirty-year-old woman, and it feels like it came suddenly as if I didn’t look in the mirror for years. Like I said, this is the least important way I’ve changed, but I have to mention it because it is on my mind. I want to be proud to be thirty and worship the lines that came from struggle and fight. I want to be proud of myself, and I do think I am getting there.

I have also changed in the way that I handle life. I mean it when I tell you I could handle anything thrown my way, but I used to more dramatic and emotional when things were. Now, I meditate, I reframe, and I handle it. It’s like I have more struggles from that past version of myself, but I handle it better than I ever have. The way I give advice is also different. I’m still caring and empathetic, but I actually have substance to the advice and I’m in a place to be someone others depend on.

Now, this one is huge, but I’m ready to build my family. I don’t know if it was becoming a cat person and taking care of my sweet Mable madness, but I genuinely have children on my mind. And I never have before (at least like this). I can actually see the family I might have in a few years, and I get butterflies thinking about it. I’m making my own money, saving it, and preparing for the future. Now it’s time to find a partner (eep).

I don’t know if I need to let her go, but I am excited about this new version of myself, and the mourning needs to stop. In that way, I do need to let her go.

xoxo