just a little update

I’ve been working at this new job for about seven weeks now and my life is changing rapidly. I thought it would be good to just give a little update on where I’m at and how I’m doing. Well, again, my life is changing, and I can feel my old self trying to hang on for dear life as I make steps to move forward. Old habits and routines. Thought patterns and beliefs. They want to stay but they must go. What’s the best thing about working? I don’t spend all day thinking in spirals and I’m not driven to work using anxiety and fear as a driver. I’ve found a peace that I didn’t know was possible.

Weekends have been hard actually. I crave the down time but when it comes around, I’m scared of it. I don’t want to step backwards. I don’t want to get lost in loops. I don’t want to think. Obviously, that’s not a possible solution, and I am really working hard on feeling it and working through it. The emotions can be big and scary, but each time I pull myself out of it, I gain a little more faith in myself and my ability to handle it. I’m excited for the future. I can see myself succeeding. And each day, I gain back more of my confidence.

One thing that I am doing (and might be hard to explain) is obsessively mental checking myself. What does that mean? Well, it means that I stop frequently to ask my brain hey- are we okay? I know it doesn’t seem like a problem but when you get obsessive and do it every minute, it’s actually a compulsion that ultimately makes my mental health worse. It’s all about the fact that I wasn’t okay for so long and my fear that it will happen again drives the obsession. And I’ve been enjoying work because it actually turns all that off and for once, I don’t think about my mental health at all. I just let myself be. At one of the last AA meetings I went to, a guy told me I needed to get a job, and I can confidently say that he was right.

I’ve also been feeling excited to do things (which is awesome) but the feeling of excitement actually makes me so uncomfortable. For a long time, I didn’t feel anything at all, and getting my emotions back has been a strange challenge. It just felt uncomfortable to feel. With excitement, it’s really similar to anxiety, and when it happens, I have to convince myself not to go into fight or flight. It’s so strange to want to do things but then be hindered by a natural emotion that should be considered good. I know it will just take time and I am here for the ride.

Overall, I’m the best I have been in ten years. It feels like my body is working again, and my brain is most definitely on my side. Is it because of all the work I did? Medications? Exercise? Nutrition? Did the chemical imbalance finally balance? I like to think it’s a combination of everything, but I also know God is telling me that it’s my time now- I am safe. I can relax. He is giving me my blessings.

Thanks for listening.

Xoxo