baby, hit me one more time
So, it’s happening. Don’t panic. Stay calm. My psychiatrist says I am having flashbacks again. Now, that might seem like an emergency based on my past but that’s not what’s happening this time. First, let me explain flashbacks. I have flashbacks because of traumatic events that I have endured in the past and I have been diagnosed with PTSD. I’ve had such severe flashbacks that it landed me in a residential PTSD treatment program for three months. A flashback is when a person relives a traumatic event. This can be physical or emotional in nature. For me, my past flashbacks have been physical to the point that I actually feel the actual trauma happening to me due to somatic hallucinations. This time, I am experiencing emotional flashbacks, but what’s causing it?
I went through a rough five years and even that is under explaining it. I went through manic depression, mania, psychosis, flashbacks, suicidal ideation, car crashes, black outs, ECT treatment, fights with family and friends, losing friends and my long-term boyfriend, seven hospitalizations and so much more. At the time, I was just surviving, but now that it’s over and I discuss it with other people, I recognize how severe it truly was. I didn’t have an ounce of happiness in five years. I completely lost myself and never thought it would get better. I experienced such fear and raw emotions that it actually traumatized me to the point that I am now having PTSD flashbacks about it. Did that happen because I already had PTSD? Or am I not giving myself enough credit for surviving those five years?
Each morning I wake up, I start to feel emotions that trigger me to have an emotional flashback. What’s happening? Can I do it? Am I going to go crazy again? Do I need to call into work? What if I can’t do my job? What if I become so depressed, I can’t do anything? And so much more. It lasts almost two hours and although I don’t want to complain because it could be worse, feeling those emotions again are horrible. It’s two hours of the worst years of my life. It’s a fear that rivals the other traumatic events I’ve experienced. And I don’t know what to do.
THAT’S A LIE. I’ve been through this. I went through treatment for PTSD, and I succeeded in recovery, but it’s throwing me off that this time feels different (more emotional). I need to reach for my coping skills. I need to meditate. I need to ground myself. I need to remind myself that it is PTSD, and those emotions don’t have a place in my life anymore. It really helps me to say ‘flashback’ when it starts to happen because labeling it reduces its ability to become my reality. There’s a level of confusion when it happens because again, it has no place in my life or current situation. Why is this happening? What can I do to make it go away? Label it as PTSD, and remember you know how to fix it. It’s sometimes hard to recognize it as a flashback but as soon as I do, I instantly feel better. I can do it.
Out of the 61-80% of people that experience traumatic events, only 5-10% meet the criteria for PTSD. I’m one of them, and I refuse to let it have any power. Each day I sit with the discomfort is another day I recover. It’s temporary, and I am stronger each time I face it. I got this. Thanks for listening.
xoxo
