boundaries
This week we are going to talk about boundaries. Boundary setting is so important for personal well-being and for relationships. Basically, it is setting limits and expectations that help define how people treat each other in a relationship. Or personal limits or guidelines that define how you interact with others, what is acceptable, and what is not. OR stating what you are and are not comfortable with. OR what you need to maintain your well-being. Either way, statistics say that 82% of adults struggle with setting personal boundaries, and it’s an important topic for us to discuss. It is all about taking responsibility for your attitudes, behaviors, and feelings while expecting the other person to do the same. Each person takes ownership of the good and the bad in the relationship. Setting boundaries can reveal painful truths and remember- if someone doesn’t like your boundary, it doesn’t mean it’s unreasonable.
There are many different types of boundaries (see below). It is common to have a boundary strength and this normally refers to healthy boundaries, porous boundaries, or rigid boundaries.
Physical boundaries- personal space, touch preferences, PDA, and privacy
Emotional boundaries- emotional support, validating feelings, and not using guilt or manipulation
Time boundaries- work-life balance, taking breaks, and commitment limits
Intellectual boundaries- intellectual bullying, respectful exchange of ideas, and maintain cognitive autonomy
Sexual boundaries- consent, touch, protection, and limitations
Spiritual boundaries- honor faith, beliefs, and holiness
Financial boundaries- expenses, lending money, and shared accounts
Digital boundaries- texting, social media, and privacy
How should you set boundaries? First, identify your limit. What situations leave you feeling resentful, anxious, or drained? What behaviors make you feel respected? What behaviors don’t? What do I need more or less of? Then, state your boundary clearly. Be specific and direct. Explain (if you want to) but don’t feel obligated to overjustify. You need to follow through consistently and make sure that your actions match your words. But it’s also important to expect some adjustments. Others might need time to adapt, ask questions, or need reminders.
If boundaries are healthy, there are benefits and signs to look for. Healthy boundaries build trust through communication and respect, and give a sense of safety and predictability. They also protect individuality and help preserve a sense of self. There is less resentment and more communication held together with mutual respect. On the flip side, unhealthy boundaries also have consequences and signs. Unhealthy boundaries can cause people pleasing, oversharing or undersharing, poor time management, a lack of personal identity, constant resentment, isolation, refusing help, an unwillingness to compromise, and apologizing excessively.
People with mental health issues can struggle to set and maintain boundaries, but there are many positives to having healthy boundaries if you are someone that struggles with your mental health. Boundaries protect emotional well-being and support treatment goals. This can be prioritizing therapy appointments, medication routines, sleep, exercise, and other healthy habits without feeling pressure. Boundaries can also reduce stress and overwhelm through setting limits on commitments, conflict, or overstimulating conversations. This helps recognize personal limits and prevents burnout. It also encourages healthier relationships all together.
In my experience, I do struggle with setting boundaries. I feel like I’ve had times where I’ve given a lot and didn’t receive the same respect back. It caused me to apologize excessively and I always felt like I was doing wrong because I didn’t verbalize what I needed. I think I’ve also struggled with setting boundaries with my parents sometimes because they were essentially my caregivers for so long even though I was an adult. Now, we do a good job of setting those boundaries and it has benefited our relationship as we step into new roles. I also have a tendency to overshare or trauma dump. OOPS.
When setting boundaries, BE CLEAR. BE CONSISTENT. BE RESPECTFUL.
