did I make it?

It’s obviously a question that most that have would answer yes but my expectations are different. I dreamed of being the person I am today. I dreamed that someday I would be able to do it as I stared at the psych ward’s walls. And even though I still have that huge dream of being somebody, I think I need to stop and celebrate the somebody I am today. I’m hardworking, strong, organized, and dedicated. I’m able to do the things I want to do without pressure or anxiety (well, maybe some anxiety but it’s good anxiety). I think that I might have made it.

Something in me has settled, but at the same time, I’m still pushing. As an example, when I worked out this morning, I started to think “well next time I’ll go longer” or “tomorrow let’s do core as well”. Now, this attitude is what makes me a somebody, but I do want to pause and discuss how far I have come. Looking back, there are days where I couldn’t manage to shower or brush my teeth. With manic depression, I’d lay in bed just willing myself to stay alive despite my thoughts. That’s when I started dreaming of writing a book. The idea of becoming somebody kept me alive and now that it’s time to be that somebody, I’m nervous. I’m used to fighting and the calm that has engulfed me feels uncomfortable, but it also means I can be the somebody I know I’m meant to be.

I’m writing that book. It’s over 200 pages and it’s going out to publishers in a few months. I pushed through the chaos and made something that I can be proud of and live for. I didn’t write my ideas down because the psych ward only allows crayons but when I got out, I never stopped writing. Coming up with new ideas gives me a spark that I’ve never had before. It’s my destiny, and I’m proud of where it started. Even this blog is a huge accomplishment. Art and writing were my outlets when things became impossible, and I now share it with the world through this blog. I hung my artwork up in my office, and I’m proud of what I made. I don’t know if it has a bigger purpose, but I’m starting to feel different. Like it’s finally happening.

Sometimes I tell myself that I need to accept life is going to be harder for me and there will be a reward for fighting the way that I do. For me? I never stop pushing and I know my dreams will be successful because I have that energy. I have to keep that same energy. And even though I want to share my book, writing, and art with the world, I think I’m taking a final pause to accept it for what it is. It’s time to worry if people will like it and make it in the way that others say. But with this pause, I have to say I’ve already made it, and if this is where I’ll be for the rest of my life, I will have a happy life.

So, the answer is yes, I have made it.

Once I make it in a traditional sense, I know you’ll read this.

I’m ready for that.

xoxo