journal prompt series #14
Let’s ask the questions that I ignore when I research journal prompts. The hard ones. The ones that I don’t want to answer. Enjoy!
Think of someone from your life you miss terribly. What would you say to them?
My college best friend. I think I’d tell her that no matter how hard I try to be mad, I am just heartbroken. I want to hate her and I want to prove myself to her, but apart from a few certain moments, I just feel like it’s my fault. And in a way, it was. I’m the one that changed. I’m the one that got a boyfriend and stopped drinking. It doesn’t matter that it was the right decision. I take that blame. But how could she treat me the way she did? How could she just cut me off? How could I mean nothing? I’d want to tell her I’m sorry and how dare you in the same breath. And that I hope she’s doing okay but doesn’t deserve to know how I’m doing. I’d want her to know that I’m still hurting and I’ve never found someone to replace her in my life. But I would have to say that I don’t want her back in my life at the same time. And then I would never speak to her again.
2. If you died tomorrow, what do you think your biggest impact on the world would have been?
I’m so scared of this question because I never feel like what I do is good enough. I’ve always been scared I’ll die before I make an impact on the world. But I genuinely have made an impact already (even though I don’t always believe it). My first thought is of the animals I have taken care of and impacted through care and research. I’ve spent decades doing this. I also always go back to my service trips and participation in the church. Even if it wasn’t for a long time, I know I made an impact there. And I also think I’ve really made an impact on my family (as they have on me). Those relationships are so important to me, and I like to think I’ve impacted them in some way. But I always go back to more, and I think telling my story and sharing my art will make the biggest impact in the future.
3. What are your biggest fears? Why are you so scared of them?
These days I feel like fear rules my life. I’m so scared of becoming sick again. I’m so scared I’m going to wake up depressed one day. I am terrified of the anxiety that makes me terrified. I feel like I have to calm myself down all of the time just because of my fear of the day or moment. Why is this happening? You could probably just say PTSD. I have been through a lot and my body remembers the trauma that I have and haven’t worked through. It is simply terrifying. I am also scared of creating my art and putting myself out there. It is so scary to be so vulnerable. But I’m even more scared of it not working out. Who would like what I write and create? Again, it is terrifying.
4. What is my purpose? What are my gifts? What can I do better than anyone else? Do I use these gifts?
I have these overwhelming feeling that my purpose is to tell my story and write my book. I feel like this is the direction God is pushing me in. I also think my purpose is to take care of and eventually grow my family. I think my greatest gift is to write. Poetry, blogs, and books. I can write better than anyone I know and I love the words I put on paper. But I’ve barely showed anyone and I feel like I haven’t explored sharing my gifts enough. I think it’s because I’m scared other people won’t like what I create. And I’m happy knowing that I am the only critic I have.
5. What was your rock bottom? How does that fit into your story?
For me, rock bottom was devastating. It wasn’t just a day that I decided it was the last straw. It was years. I love my spark, my humor, and my personality to addiction and mental health struggles. I found myself stealing pills just to get rid of the depression for twenty minutes. I stopped taking care of myself all together. I didn’t cook for myself, I didn’t do my laundry, and sometimes I could barely brush my teeth. I know some of this wasn’t my fault but I took the blame. I wasn’t invited to my niece’s birth. I got into a car accident and went to the mental hospital. For the seventh time. I lost all of the friends I had. At times I wanted to die and I am just getting back some of that spark I once had. And somehow, these years became my entire story. But it is such a blessing that it is a story and not a reality anymore. It is a center of strength in my story. I got through it. And I am so proud of myself.
The hard questions may be different from but REMEMBER- you can answer them, too! If a question gives you anxiety, it’s probably because you need to answer it.
xoxo
