P.S. I’m not pretty

I honestly had no idea the effect that beauty had on my life. Getting older has been hard on me and I find myself wishing I had the body I had ten years ago. By the way, that was a child’s body. Is it a result of the world we live in? I have no idea, but I do know I’ve lived years of thinking I’m not pretty. It’s heartbreaking, and I am on a journey of loving myself the way that I am. I deserve to feel beautiful, and I’m finally believing that it’s actually true.

I just had to buy a dress for my sisters wedding. I started by ordering dresses online that would cover me the most. None of them looked good or fit and it was a huge blow. I couldn’t even look at myself. I felt so gross. But then I went to a boutique and tried on dresses that did fit, and guess what? I found a dress that I actually felt pretty in. It was the greatest feeling. I even let my arms be out. But does everyone go through this process just to find a dress? The answer is yes, but also no. 

Sometimes it’s hard for me to even look in the mirror. I feel like I can see the years of mental health struggles and addiction. I completely avoid looking at myself when I get out of the shower. I just look completely different, but sometimes I make myself look. When I’m not struggling with body dysmorphia, I feel quite surprised at how my body looks (in a good way). I have flashes of looking good but feeling like I look “bad” also rivals it. 

Is it in my head? I feel like people look at me differently. You can call it pretty privilege but it’s definitely gone away. I feel like people treat you differently when you’re not a size zero. It is so difficult not to notice. I also constantly think about people from my past and what they’d think about me gaining weight. When people in my present say I look good, I don’t believe them, and I worry way too much about what people think.

it’s heartbreaking to realize how much time I spend thinking about my physical appearance. I’m trying to get healthy, and sometimes that means losing weight, but I’m trying not to make that the purpose. I can get obsessed when I think about losing weight, and focusing on my health instead makes it easier. I feel like this post was a rambling mess, but it’s kind of difficult for me to talk about this topic. I also feel like there’s so much more to say but this is what I have for now.

Don’t forget that you are pretty.

xoxo