Misunderstood: stuck in psychosis pt. 5
It’s almost impossible to find someone that understands your unique mental health experience. I was diagnosed with four mental health conditions during my years of psychosis. I met people with one or maybe two of the same diagnoses but the combination was truly unique. Each time I was diagnosed, I always thought okay this is it- we finally have answers. But it didn’t happen that way. I always thought bipolar disorder did cover most of it but my other diagnoses were just as real and so I embarked on a journey to understand what was so misunderstood.
I have a mental health binder that describes each of my mental health conditions- ADHD, OCD, PTSD, and Bipolar Disorder. Crazy, right? It’s almost impossible to understand that all four apply, but they do. I am always cautious in revealing all of them because I find it almost embarrassing. Everyone has ADHD these days so shouldn’t it be easy to handle? The world doesn’t believe OCD is that serious. Why do you have PTSD? What happened to you? Okay, maybe Bipolar Disorder fits. All of it is so misunderstood.
ADHD was my first diagnosis, years before I would go into psychosis. I was struggling in school and the college workload was much harder for me to handle. I wanted to be a good student but I struggled with organization and staying on top of my classes. I took some ADHD medication to study for a test once and it was like my world had opened up. I went through neuropsych testing and my psychiatrist diagnosed me with ADHD. Just like my dad, brother, and sister. It would be years till I actually understood ADHD and just relied on the medication. Now? I tackle that shit head on. To stay on top of my ADHD, I have to stick to a routine. I have to use monthly, weekly, and daily planners. I have to write down tasks in the same running list that is always in the same spot. I set timers and listen to timed playlists whenever I can’t get myself to do a task. I make everything a game and write in my planner how long each task will take. ADHD does sincerely make my life more challenging, and I’m still learning and trying new things to make my life easier. I think the biggest misconception is you can’t do it without stimulant medication but you can. It’s just really hard work.
When I first went into psychosis, I was diagnosed with OCD and I completed an outpatient program for it. Most people don’t understand that severe OCD can put you into psychosis and it definitely played a part in my journey. For me, OCD was very thought based. I had harm OCD, false memory OCD, “just right” OCD, POCD, scrupulosity OCD, and checking OCD. It was overwhelming and hard to explain. I don’t even want to give details in this post, but that’s why it remains misunderstood. I fight with this disorder a lot and it only hurts me more that I won’t accept it. I do well with the thoughts now but I still have compulsions that I don’t even realize I’m doing. I get overwhelmed when things change and I panic when the schedule in my head isn’t exactly right. If they switch me to a new place at work, I panic. If my routine is thrown off by 30 minutes, I panic. My day can be ruined with obsession. But I don’t talk about it, and I doubt my own struggles. Understanding OCD and its part in psychosis needs much more attention.
During a manic episode and while in psychosis, I got diagnosed with PTSD. I was already in therapy working through being raped but it all became too much. I was paranoid and ended calling the police because I thought someone in my family was going to hurt me. It was my first inpatient experience after the cops came and took me to the state hospital. I entered an inpatient program for PTSD and I lived there for three months. My experience with PTSD may be the most misunderstood. I didn’t tell anyone that I was raped until six years after it happened, and when I did, it was like my mind and body decided it was the time to feel it. It absolutely consumed me. I also didn’t know exactly what happened because my brain had blacked it out. I felt like a fraud and to this day, I wonder if people actually believe me.
Bipolar disorder is the obvious. I am a cookie cutter example of bipolar disorder, so there’s less misunderstanding there, but people who haven’t experienced it or seen it don’t always understand. It’s not like you’re manic for two weeks and then depressed for two weeks and so on. I could be depressed for months. I could be manic for two days. I could be depressed and manic at the same time. Also, mania (for me) was not this fun and exciting experience. It was scary, I was paranoid, and I did not live in reality. The only time I felt understood was when I saw TikTok videos of people saying they experienced the exact same thing. Again, it was cookie cutter for me, but it was still difficult to explain to other people.
Having all of these diagnoses made me feel so misunderstood. They worked together to sabotage my brain and put me in psychosis. When one got worse, so did the others. It took me a long time to find all the pieces. I should say that medication is absolutely necessary during psychosis, but it’s not the only thing that helps. You have to work hard by learning and fighting. Someday, you will understand.
Xoxo
