Recovery

Recovery can be so incredibly lonely. You’re constantly told what you need to do, how to do it, and that you’re doing it wrong if it doesn’t help. Shouldn’t I be the one that knows myself best? Going to medical school didn’t teach you how it feels to be strapped down and taken to the psych ward. It definitely doesn’t tell you what it’s like to drive around for hours just trying not to buy pills. Even so, medical advice does have merit. It’s about combining what you know to be true and what psychiatrists tell you. You can’t have one without the other, and you’ll never recover if you don’t have both. Recovery can be a random timeline of relapses and hospitalizations. When does it actually start? I have no idea because I always wanted it to end. As I said before, only some can truly understand recovery, and I want to discuss some of the lessons or aspects I’ve learned through my personal experience.

Recovery starts off chaotic. I always heard in music, documentaries, and other media that some people are addicted to their struggle or to chaos. How could that be? Why would you want that? Well, I definitely found out. Chaos became my baseline and it felt weird when it wasn’t there anymore. It went away slowly but as I recover, I have moments where I miss the chaos, and it’s like my brain gives me ideas or ways to freak out. Peace makes me feel uncomfortable, but it makes everything better when you find it. In recovery, you have to accept that your life is chaotic and then actively work to untangle it. Don’t get addicted to the chaos! Life gets so much better.

Now, let’s talk to my old friend honesty. You will never recover if you don’t stay honest with yourself and your loved ones. Those panic attacks you have? It’s because of lies. That anxiety attack? It’s because you’re hiding something. I can lie to myself, but my brain and body keep tally when I do it. Sometimes, when you’re hiding BIG lies, you don’t even recognize the small ones, but your mind is keeping score. Once you start being honest in recovery, you’ll start to feel that anxiety spike when you aren’t honest. Like a reminder it can’t be that way. After the big stuff, you can start dealing with the smaller stuff that has just as much of an effect (if not more). Get the bullshit off your chest. You won’t recover until you’re honest.

Let’s talk about the big old word commitment. In this context, I’m not talking about a boyfriend, but a big old commitment to recovery. You always think you want it, but in the beginning, it only lasts for a few seconds. Like a random idea. I will go to bed each night feeling like I couldn’t be more committed to recovery only to prove myself wrong the next day. Commitment grows, and you grow with it. I am talking eating healthy, exercising, therapy, sober meetings, medication, meditation, journaling, and so much more. It’s so disappointing when you go back on your commitment, but it genuinely takes time. It’s not easy. But when you get there, it feels so good.

When I talk about this one, I’m a huge hypocrite. You have to believe in yourself. This is probably the hardest thing for me to do, but you’re not going to recover if you don’t believe you have what it takes. Years of letting yourself down gives you low self-esteem and makes you feel like a failure. Can I do anything right? Believing in yourself takes time, and it won’t change if you don’t give yourself evidence. Today I actually washed the dishes turns into I just finished my novel. Your hard work builds and builds, and your mind receives evidence that you really can do it. Suddenly, you will finally believe in yourself, and recovery becomes just the beginning of your story.

YOU. HAVE. TO. HAVE. RESILIENCE. I cannot stress this one enough. I also cannot tell you how many times I’ve failed and pulled myself back up. Sometimes I laid down longer but no matter what, I always got up. Here’s the issue, though. You have to become resilient through struggle. Meaning you have to get through the struggle to be resilient. Sometimes, the pain doesn’t get any easier, but you learn new ways to handle it. You have to get up each day and fight even harder than the day before. You have to learn resilience.

Recovery is different for everybody. I think it’s important for everyone to find a way that works for them. Hope this helps!

xoxo