the power of the brain

Something that I never realized and honestly doubted was the power of the mind. It makes you react in certain ways. It gives you the anxiety that you can’t control. It’s the reason you haven’t gotten out of bed all week. But I thought that there was nothing I could do and there was no reason beside my brain was broken. Recently, its power hit me like a ton of bricks, and I think it’s an important discussion to have.

Have I ever explained that one of my first diagnoses was OCD? I was having thoughts that scared me so much, I doubted who I was. I had certain beliefs, and I had no idea where they had come from. There was no evidence. There was no reason. But honestly, it’s the compulsions that interested me. Why does doing something random and obviously ineffective actually relax your mind and take it all away? I could feel my entire body relax right after performing a compulsion. And it just made me want to do it more. It was my brain controlling this. It was my brain asking for the relief, and it genuinely believed everything was okay after I did it. It was powerful, and scary, but it intrigued me. My brain had all the power. How could I use that to do it right?

One of the biggest ways that I realized my brain had so much power was through addiction. My entire body would relax at the idea of using. The anticipation thrilled me even though the high was always miserable. My brain was wired wrong. It was confused. It was telling me something that I knew to be wrong, but I listened anyway. My brain had so much power and controlled my actions, emotions, and reasoning. It took so much time and energy to rewire it. I still struggle with it somedays, but I learned that being gentle with my brain allows it to fix itself. I can’t force something with anxiety because it only makes it worse.

Speaking of anxiety, my brain produces much of it. Anxiety was at the forefront of my realization. It all started when I began to question the anxiety and understand the force behind it. I realized that my brain and body were reacting to things without telling me. When I didn’t take five minutes to do that extra step or did something that didn’t align with my goals, I would get anxious. It took a long time to realize what my brain was doing, and it would react in ways that seemed random. But it was always telling me something, and I’ve only just started to listen.

PTSD is a fucking bitch, and it can literally take over your entire brain. I have had flashbacks where it physically felt like I was being sexually assaulted again. I have become so paranoid that I thought the people I love were going to hurt me. I’ve thrashed around on the ground begging him to stop when I was alone in my rented apartment. And this is all because my brain and body remembered. My brain caused me to live in flight or fight mode for years. Its power to work through my trauma is something I have to be so careful about. But my brain still tells me about every day through habits and thoughts and feelings.

Bipolar disorder is probably the most confusing one because it feels like a gene or something that I inherited. But it’s so important for me to understand this part of my brain. I lived in delusion for years, hallucinated all the time, and went through bouts of manic depression. And it may be true that my brain is simply wired that way, but I do believe the medication I take balances it out. And I have to lean on these methods to keep my brain steady. This one I didn’t deserve.

I hope I’ve explained well enough. The power of the brain is undeniable, and it’s so important that you take care of it. Everyone’s brain is different but getting to know yours could be life changing.

Never underestimate the brain.

xoxo