journal prompt series #13
TRIGGER WARNING. TRIGGER WARNING. TRIGGER WARNING. Today, we are doing a journal prompt series on trauma. I’m going to talk about, explain, and used words that might be triggering for others that have experienced abuse or sexual assault. Reading, discussing, and talking about trauma can trigger flashbacks, anxiety, panic, and so much more. It takes a long time to be able to work through that and if you’re not there, skip the blog post this week. I am discussing my experience simply to help others, but I have had PTSD/trauma treatment for the last five years. When I started that treatment, I couldn’t discuss it without having a flashback. Support yourself where you are now and know that eventually managing triggers does get easier. I’d love to hear your story one day. Now, let’s get into these prompts.
What personal strengths or skills helped you survive traumatic experiences?
I’ve developed so many strengths and skills to do deal with my trauma but also because of my trauma. I think people forget that both the event and the aftermath are equally difficult because you go through bouts of thinking it is actually happening again which is traumatic in and of itself. I used to be really adventurous, and this helped me in the moment but because of the event, I would say I am less so. I’ve also always had emotional intelligence and I know how to take care of my brain and understand my emotions. This kept me calm in traumatic moments and it made survival easier. I’ve also always had courage and I can flick the negatives out of brain to jump into the next thing. My artistic abilities and creativity single handedly got me through the years of trauma from a mental health crisis. I still have the art I made to express myself and I’m so proud of it. Other strengths and skills are passion, wisdom, and a sense of purpose. This kept pushing me forward.
Write a letter to your future self describing the trauma recovery and inner healing you’ve experienced.
Grace,
You’re never going to believe it. All the treatment and work you put in finally paid off. Living in the psychiatric hospital for three months was just the start of your healing journey. You never gave up, and you fought every day for that life you dreamed of. After treatment, you still had flashbacks and episodes of paranoia, but you got through them. You got through them. I can’t even tell you the last time you’ve had a flashback. There are days where you never even think of it, and weeks where you don’t have to process it. When it does come up, you discuss it in therapy, and it doesn’t even trigger you. Now, there’s a calm, and it makes healing so much easier. There is still anxiety and PTSD symptoms around the years of the mental health crisis, but you know how to do it now, and it genuinely is easier. I’m proud of you, and your future self thanks you for the hard work.
xoxo
Explain the physical sensations that trauma has caused in your body.
I still have a hard time understanding how trauma causes physical sensations in my body even years later. But it does, and it actually makes me quite sad. For a long time, I had very physical flashbacks about getting raped. I’d fall to floor, lying there thrashing around and yelling out. I thought I was going crazy. Once, I even felt the physical pumping of rape down below. It always left me with an overactive nervous system that felt like pricks in my entire body. I also had issues with unexplained pain, and I was even diagnosed with fibromyalgia. It was clear that the trauma stayed in my body. Other traumatic experiences I’ve had cause more of an emotional response in my brain, but it can still have the nervous system pricking and mind racing.
What is your biggest regret?
This one is hard. I have two. First, my biggest regret is how I told my dad I was raped. I was drunk, worked up, and had never told anyone. I hadn’t processed it. It was a shit show. I tried to tone it down after I said it like it wasn’t a big deal. I feel like I broke my dad’s heart in that moment, and it still bothers me today. Secondly, my biggest regret is stealing pills from the people I love during active addiction. That one’s pretty self-explanatory.
List any emotions or thoughts you’ve kept secret from others. Write freely and openly.
I normally hide any anxiety and depression that relates to PTSD. I feel like I should have moved on by now, and it’s hard to explain to people while it still comes up. Plus, everyone is always scared of PTSD since my episodes were so bad. I also feel like I’m labeled with Bipolar Disorder and not PTSD even though I suffer from both. I definitely also keep any paranoid or delusional thoughts to myself because I don’t want others to panic. Not to mention the intrusive thoughts I have around taboo subjects, pedophilia, death, and more. It freaks me out, but I’ve gotten used to them. I don’t know if others would be able to.
What would you want to tell others about your trauma that you keep to yourself?
I want to tell the story of being raped. My story. Like I said, when I finally told my family, I only had the fact that I had been raped. I had nothing else, and I hadn’t processed it. So, when the questions came, I was weird about the answers. It felt like I was making stuff up. I had no idea how to explain. After PTSD treatment and EMDR therapy, I found my story, but now, I feel like no one wants to hear it, and who could blame them? It doesn’t help that I barely remember certain years of my life and I have no idea what I told my family. It’s all just wiped from my memory, but I want to tell the story of what really happened, and someday I will.
xoxo
