trauma dump
(don’t forget to check out the deluxe poem post that goes along with this blog uploaded tomorrow)
Lately, I have been experiencing something that is familiar but also entirely foreign in its new nature. PTSD. I’ve known I’ve had it for years after living traumatic situations in my teens. This trauma was so bad that I lived in a residential hospital four three months completing a PTSD program. It was difficult to go through but also nearly impossible to relive so that I could make forward. I didn’t feel safe anywhere or near anyone. I had flashbacks, a wrecked emotional state, and this overwhelming idea it was my fault. What was I wearing? Why did I drink? Did I give off an impression? I worked through these feelings in treatment but now I’m experiencing PTSD from the lens of another trauma, and it is nowhere near the same.
First, let me explain what PTSD is from my perspective. I can break it down into a few small categories. Constant alertness or feeling on edge can cause extreme anxiety, jumpiness or easily being startled, and a sheer panic when reminded of the trauma. It also can cause sleep pattern disturbances and an inability to concentrate. My most common symptom is hypervigilance- the feeling of being constantly on guard for the purpose of detecting potential danger, even when the danger is low. I have lived life in this state.
Another part of PTSD can be avoiding certain thoughts or feelings. For me, it was always substance abuse- a cycle I have been in for years. Studies say that 4 out of 10 people with PTSD will have substance abuse problems as well. I’d even say that addiction itself is traumatic. Other avoidance methods that I have used is being constantly busy, avoiding reminders of the trauma, and doing self-destructive or reckless things. My body avoids by blacking out trauma so that I can’t remember details and going physically or emotionally numb.
My favorite aspect of PTSD is flashbacks. SIKE. Flashbacks cause you to feel like the event is happening (again) at that very moment. I’ve had such bad flashbacks that I’ve gone into psychosis and called the police on family members thinking they were the one that hurt me. I’ve thrashed around yelled out like it was happening. I don’t know how else to explain that you literally think it is happening. Flashbacks also include intrusive thoughts or images, nightmares, physical sensations, and intense distress at reminders of the trauma.
The last symptom is having difficult beliefs or feelings. This includes feeling like you can’t trust anyone, feeling like nowhere is safe, feeling like nobody understands, blaming yourself for what happened, and overwhelming feelings of anger, sadness, guilt or shame. I resonate with the last two.
I’m already unlucky, and on top of substance abuse, about 40-50% of people with PTSD also have bipolar disorder, and dang, I’ve got both. But what’s happening this time? Well, I’ve mentioned the last five years and I had no idea that getting through that would cause more PTSD symptoms that I don’t recognize. This time, it’s more emotional. I am literally experiencing the emotions I felt then and a lot of the time, I’m living in constant fear of the next moment. All because I don’t want it to come back. My nervous system is on fire.
So, I’m taking it back to the basics. I’m going to use my coping methods and skills. I’m going to practice mindfulness and meditation. And most importantly, I am going to get through it.
