work, baby, work!
What is it like to work when you have a mental illness? Baby, it’s hard. No one sees the hardships underneath when you start to blend in with your colleagues, and it becomes a silent battle to get through day. There are days when you wake up to anxiety, depression adds a layer of hardship, or a panic attack puts you out. Who can you be honest with? What if it’s used against you? Saying I have Bipolar Disorder is an issue that I fear for several reasons.
When I first got my job, they said I needed to complete a mandatory health check at the university’s health center. Fear gripped me. Did I have to say I’m bipolar? Did I have to say I’m on anti-psychotics? Could they tell my new supervisor? Am I going to lose this opportunity? I went over it again and again with my mom and sister. I’d have to explain it in a certain way because there’s no way it’d be accepted. Bipolar people can’t work. I hadn’t in five years. But do you know what happened? The nurse told me being bipolar is like having a diabetes- a medical condition you can’t help but have. I had a big sigh of relief. All that anxiety for nothing.
Now that I do work, one of the biggest issues I have is calling in when I genuinely need a mental health day. When a panic attack puts me out, I have to say I’m sick, and it feels like I’m lying. I have to say it’s something physical because if it was mental, it wouldn’t be okay. I’ve had to reframe this each time it happens. I am sick. I can’t work. I need a day. I don’t abuse the call log, but it definitely has been needed for a few days. So, what happened on these days? It’s important to break it down to prevent further call ins.
Routine. Routine. Routine. The last two times I called off is because after work, I went to sleep and didn’t do my nighttime routine. It’s that simple. And both times, when I woke up, I had a terrible panic attack that caused me to call out sick. An hour later, when I got my head on straight, I’d regret calling out. But anxiety gets you and, in the moment, it feels like the world is ending. Just because I didn’t lay out an outfit. It seems so simple but for me, it’s quite complex. I accepted a long time ago that I have to live my life differently than others. And I can’t skip the structure that holds me together, because then, I fall apart.
I’ve also had to leave work early before and it’s always because of anxiety. I can truly get myself worked up and it makes it impossible to get my work done. Normally, I just have to push through the feelings, but somedays my nervous system tells me I have to run. I probably experience anxiety every single day that I work but it does serve a purpose in my life. Certain anxiety pushes me forward and makes me a hard-working person. It’s just those few times that my brain convinces me I can’t do it and I need to go home. Believing in yourself is so important and with each successful day, you’ll start to.
That brings me to the most important thing about working with Bipolar Disorder (or any other mental health diagnosis). It will change your life. It doesn’t matter if you don’t want to get up- you have to. It doesn’t matter if you don’t want to socialize- you have to. It doesn’t matter if you don’t want to do anything- you have to. It cures depression. It battles anxiety. You can do so much more than you think you can. You just have to do it.
On the other hand, I know that it’s not possible to work at certain points. I didn’t work for years because I was so sick and in psychosis for so long. So, don’t beat yourself up if you can’t work either. All I can say that at least for me, it does get better, and it does become possible. Even if that’s the most annoying thing to hear. And getting a job can look different for everyone. It can be in an office or at home. You can build a business or post on social media. It doesn’t need to be a 9-5 like everyone else. You’re already different. Find a job that fits and stick with it.
I hope my experience working with Bipolar Disorder helps!!!
xoxo
