A spectrum: stuck in psychosis pt. 3

I think I’d mentioned before that psychosis doesn’t happen overnight, and before you know the signs, it’s hard to recognize the first sign. I want to introduce the spectrum of psychosis that I experienced. The bullet points of a psychotic episode are always the big ones. Patient thinks she works for the CIA. Patient believes she’s in a relationship with someone she’s never met. Patient called the police because she was scared she was under attack. Patient reported the Illuminati to the FBI for following her. I think it’s also a good time to mention that I have multiple diagnoses that can cause psychosis and they each contributed in their own ways. I also need to mention that I was stuck in psychosis for five years. Except the big points neglected the small ones that describe the majority of that time.

Let’s break down my symptoms of psychosis into small ones. The first bit of paranoia I had was when I was living in England by myself. I started to think people were looking through my windows. That’s it. It was that simple. Once I started to believe that, it reformed. I was now scared the neighbor across the street was stalking me. I didn’t even have a particular neighbor in mind. It’s just what I thought when I lay in bed at night. Then it was my electronics. I had to cover the cameras. Why? Eventually, it was because the FBI was watching, but at first, it was just the thought. That all led to me throwing my phone away so the FBI couldn’t track me. This then transformed into the CIA because I was oversees, right? And eventually I worked for the CIA. That’s how it worked.

My family didn’t know whether I was in psychosis or not because some days, I was able to hide it. Especially after the psych ward became an option. Sometimes the delusions didn’t consume me but for the most part, they were always real. Sometimes it was just a song my brain told me was a message. I’d smile and know. Other times I talked out loud to the cameras I thought were watching me. I’d hear their responses in my head and my family would hear me talking to myself in my room. I found it difficult to socialize because I always wanted to talk to these people I created in my mind. I basically spent five years talking to myself which thinking back, makes me really sad. But it was always a spectrum. I did have days where I didn’t think it was happening but it seemed to always come back to it. I was stuck in psychosis.

I think it is so important to recognize the first signs of psychosis so that it doesn’t get to that breaking point. For first timers, this is nearly impossible and that’s why I talk about my experience. I want you to understand yourself the way that I finally do. It’s so important.

Psychosis has a spectrum. I suggest you map out yours.

Xoxo