the belief: stuck in psychosis pt. 2
Where did it come from? The delusions, the thoughts, and the unwavering belief. It can’t have happened overnight, but that’s what it feels like. Did it start with disbelief? Or did my brain chemistry make it true? I don’t think I’ll ever know, and it’s hard for me to accept I played no part in it. It just is what it is. The belief was so strong it lasted years. The belief forced me to be alone on this playing field I always lost. I thought I was dating someone famous without ever meeting them. I thought I was being tracked by the FBI, and then suddenly I worked for them. I was definitely a CIA agent investigating the Illuminati. Or was the Illuminati recruiting me? Did I write all of the music in the world? It was never ending. Some days a certain belief would expire but it was always replaced and most likely it would come back again. The belief was so strong. And I’m going to try to explain it to you.
Like I said, I don’t remember if something came before my first belief but it definitely felt sudden. I was living in England and part time in Germany. COVID hit. I was paranoid anyway but this made it worse. I was convinced I was being followed by the FBI. I called my mom and told her so. The journey home to Chicago broke my brain. There’s no other way to put it. I came home convinced of my delusions, stating them boldly and bravely to the ones I love. Their panic made it worse. I thought I was still the same person but they saw someone different. And my casualness of my beliefs showed how much I thought they were true. I was alarmed by their response. I sincerely thought I was right and they just didn’t understand. I was in psychosis and it was impossible for me to see it. Everything goes a bit blurry after that but you know what? I woke up in the psych ward and I still believed it.
Everything became evidence at some point. There were no coincidences. Everything my brain told me was true. Shuffling a song was a message from him. If it fit, it was evidence. If it didn’t, my brain would make it be. I hung onto beliefs for years. It had to be true because such and such had happened. Remember? That’s your evidence. A new playlist on my phone was a message. A voice in my head was the CIAs communication device. I couldn’t tell anyone! That’s the whole point of the CIA! The world around me was evidence. But most of the time, it wasn’t even needed, and that’s what scares me the most.
Then came a different time. I learned NOT to talk about my delusions because of the reaction I received when I verbalized it. That didn’t mean I stopped believing it. It was fact at that point. But I stopped saying it and that was dangerous. I was completely alone with no one to argue my beliefs. There was no challenge. My brain said it was fact and it was fact. They were watching me at all times using invisible cameras in the air. I was terrified. And all along, it was a false belief. I woke up everyday convinced and dedicated all my time to delusional thinking.
What about know? I did come out of psychosis and with that, the belief was gone. Even so, sometimes I get thoughts, and it’s my job to keep myself on track. That’s not to say it’s my fault if the belief comes back, but I know through treatment how to stay in reality. If you’re a family member of someone struggling with psychosis, I don’t think you’ll ever be able to truly understand, but it’s important that you try. Your words can’t bring us out of psychosis. The belief can be too strong. But you can get your family member into treatment where professionals can dissuade the belief. I was hospitalized seven times. I spent months in a psychiatric hospital. It never felt like it was working until it did, and it’s because my will to survive was stronger than the belief.
Xoxo
