the unspeakable: stuck in psychosis pt. 1
Today, we’re going to talk about the unspeakable. We will discuss the parts of mental health and psychosis that no one ever speaks about. This could be because it’s evidently embarrassing or painful or forgotten. You may not have anyone to talk to that understands or maybe your loved ones made it taboo. Well, it is, but we’re going to talk about it anyway.
Let’s start with the big one- delusions. Psychosis changes your sense of reality and may cause you to develop delusions. Delusions are beliefs that are not based in reality and subsequently “crazy” even if you aren’t supposed to say that word. My most embarrassing delusion was that I was dating a famous person. I thought we were in love even though there was no basis or proof of it. I cannot stress enough how your brain believes these delusions 100%. I wore a ring that I thought represented us. I got tattoos with this person in mind. And even though I thought we were talking through music or simply my mind, I was actually just alone and delusional. I also thought I worked for the CIA and the FBI was investigating me. I “talked” to them out loud. I threw my phone away so they couldn’t track me. These delusions are much more detailed and I will discuss them more further in the series.
The next topic I want to discuss is hallucinations. When it comes to psychosis, hallucinations are inevitable. My first hallucination was of a transparent snake on my living room floor. I sat on the couch mesmerized. I also had hallucinations of religious type murals that looked like the stain glass at my church. I genuinely believed they were sent by Jesus (and maybe they were). I also had hallucinations of funny faces that looked drawn or cartoon-like and videos that played out as if from a phone screen. These hallucinations came when I’d be staring off into space and they were always worse when I was on drugs. In the moment, I wanted these hallucinations. I thought they were cool and telling me something. But the hallucinations I hated were the sounds and voices. I’d hear stomping up the stairs or someone calling out my name, but sometimes the voices were so clear. For a long time, I thought they were real and I believed what they said. Like when they’d say I had a new mission to investigate the Illuminati, I’d think I was an agent and it was true. Hallucinations and delusions feed into one another.
Something else I’d like to discuss is intrusive thoughts. Intrusive thoughts are unwanted thoughts that go against who you are as a person. There is quite a big of range with these thoughts but the ones I’d like to discuss are taboo intrusive thoughts. For me, the worst intrusive thoughts are related to pedophilia. This could be that I’m going to hurt a child or I have hurt a child in the past. It stokes such a fear in me that I’ll obsess and obsess over the thoughts. Other intrusive thoughts that are difficult to discuss are ones related to harming yourself or another person. Even if you know you wouldn’t, the fear is still there. Discussing these thoughts actually helps and other therapies can be effective as well. I went through exposure therapy for my intrusive thoughts and now they are so much easier to manage. Even if they’re taboo, talking about them is the solution.
I feel like I’ve only just scraped the surface of my experience with psychosis which is why I will be turning this into a series called stuck in psychosis! My goal is to reach others with similar stories. Hope this helps.
Xoxo
