journal prompt series #8

Loneliness 

Today, I want to ask questions about loneliness. I have been feeling it lately, and it’s making me question the areas of my life that lack connection. I blame myself for the emotion and I hoped writing about it would take that away. Enjoy!

Describe loneliness.

It’s a dull pain around my heart that sends intrusive thoughts to my brain. Why are you lonely? Why did they leave? No one wants or loves you. It’s the opposite of the spark I feel when having deep conversations with my sister or Facetimes with my brother.  

What am I telling myself about what it means to be lonely?

It always comes back to being my fault. Friends growing apart, silent ghosting, and a lack of support from friendships always makes me blame myself for being lonely. Automatically, loneliness makes me feel like I’ve done something wrong or that something is wrong in general, and I obsess over fixing it. I always see loneliness as a problem and that I’m wrong or stand apart from other people. In general, I don’t have positive feelings attached to loneliness.

What has loneliness told me about the relationships I want to build?

I want relationships that attract honesty, care, and love. I don’t want to connect over a drink or the new gossip. I want people who are passionate and dedicated like me in ways that relationships grow. Someone that sends that birthday card every year and picks up the phone when I need a friend. I also want relationships that mature as people grow because people and friendships do change but if it’s real, you’ll ride the wave holding hands. 

When have I mistaken being around people for true connection?

During college, I had a friend group that I thought was genuine but it really was just partying and getting drunk that held it together. As soon as I got sober, they wanted nothing to do with me. Even so, I genuinely thought they were my forever people and I still hurt from their rejection to this day (something I’m working on). I think it’s important for me to realize we didn’t have a true connection.

What actions, behaviors, and routines do you think happy people do?

I assume people do it all. Morning routine, work, afternoon routine, and night-time routine. Eating healthy, maintaining relationships, exercising, journaling, practicing gratitude, and growing spiritually. But when I talk to others, that’s not the case. Am I in a place where I am the happy one? Is this just what I’m striving for? Possibly. 

How can I love myself better in moments of loneliness?

In these moments, I need to take care of myself and be the person that I am yearning for but for myself. I need to remind myself that it’s not my fault, and I have everything I need to move past these moments. Stepping back, being gentle with myself, and practicing self-care is also important. But it is just as important to pick up the phone and reach out to someone when I need to talk. 

What are you most afraid of in moments of loneliness?

In moments of loneliness, I worry about the future. I want a partner. I want a family. And I feel like I’m losing time to get there. I’m afraid I’ll be lonely forever and not have the children I’ve already named. I know the answer is putting myself out there but I’m afraid of that. I also can’t imagine telling someone my story and letting my walls down like that. But it really is the solution to loneliness.

REMEMBER, you can answer these questions, too.

xoxo