keep her name out of your mouth

I’ve never really been one to defend myself. I always felt like I understood the other person’s perspective more than a desire to defend my own, but that has changed. Sincerely, I’m ready to defend myself, and I think it’s a beautiful thing that I needed greatly. So, when I look back at my life and myself, all I have to say is keep her name out of your mouth.

I’m not saying that no one else understands, but I am saying that I am the only one that knows exactly how I feel, what I’ve gone through, and what I need. Getting better has created a confidence in me that I have never had before. It’s the kind of thing you only get when you’ve truly been through it. The only look that you exchange with another person with a smile far too wide. I’m defensive of myself now. I had too many people leave that I begged to stay. I cringe at the thought of it because I never should have needed to beg, and now I can only move forward knowing that God removed them from my life for a reason.

I never had time to defend her, and quite honestly, I did not want to defend her. When people tell you you’ve changed and you didn’t want to, there should be a defense. I was fucking mentally ill and you couldn’t stick around for the first panic attack let alone the first hospitilization. It was the first time I voiced I might be an addict, and you told me I wasn’t as you handed me the bottle. That’s not a friend, and I have finally come to terms with the fact that I don’t forgive you because unlike God says, I am only human.

One of the worst things is when I have to defend myself from myself. Their loss left an imprint on me, and at times, I honestly think I don’t deserve the world like I do. Not one friend was there to ride it out with me. Everyone ran or cringed. I told them my struggles and they said they couldn’t help when I just asked for a friend. How can I not blame myself? How can I not spend some nights thinking I’m the problem?

But they don’t know I’ve changed. The struggles and the pain turned me into a different person and I will scream at them to keep her name out of their mouths. They won’t take advantage of me. They won’t belittle me. I know I seem angry but it’s an emotion I never used against them- an emotion they probably don’t think I have. But they should know the lonely nights changed me, and I became the person that needed to save me. It’s my job to take care of me now- a job that I take very seriously. And I will defend her till the day I die.

I know there’s a difference between defending yourself and apologizing for or recognizing your own wrong doings, and I’ll never say I am perfect or didn’t also do wrong. But I am right on this one. Keep her name out of your mouth.

xoxo